Perfectionism is more than just “wanting to be perfect”

There’s no perfect definition of perfectionism but it involves:

·      Striving for extremely high standards that are personally demanding.

·      These standards are usually seen as unreasonable by others.

·      Basing your self-worth on your ability to strive for and achieve these standards.

·      Experiencing negative consequences from striving for these standards but continuing to go for them despite the huge cost to you.

Being a perfectionist doesn’t mean you have high standards in every area of your life. You can be a perfectionist in one are of your life e.g. work but not in another such as housework. 

On the surface, perfectionism seems like it’s about doing things well, but deeper down, it’s about fearing what will happen if you don’t. Many people who struggle with perfectionism describe an ongoing internal pressure; a sense that mistakes are unacceptable and rest must be earned. This is often underpinned by a sense of not feeling good enough. When we think we have failed to meet the relentless high standards we set for ourselves we feel shame, self-criticism and self-blame.

How does perfectionism show up?

I often see how perfectionism overlaps with other struggles such as low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, eating disorders and body image difficulties. Perfectionism can play a significant role in these struggles through the below behaviours:

·      Struggling to make decisions in a timely manner (e.g. not being able to choose what to wear in the morning).

·      Seeking reassurance (e.g. asking others to check emails you send at work to ensure they are acceptable).

·      Excessive organising and list making (e.g. writing and re-writing lists of tasks you want to do).

·      Procrastinating (e.g. putting off starting a piece of work because you worry it won’t be good enough).

·      Not knowing when to stop (e.g. arguing a point over and over)

·      Checking (e.g. repeatedly looking in the mirror for signs your body has changed).

·      Holding onto things “just in case” (e.g. keeping copies of bills from years ago).

·      Avoiding situations you fear you will “fail” (e.g. not putting yourself forward for a promotion because you fear you won’t get it).

When is it healthy striving vs perfectionism?

Perfectionism holds you back. It is driven by a fear of failure and need for external validation. Self-worth is often tied to achievements which can lead to self-criticism and anxiety. When standards are set impossibly high, starting tasks can feel overwhelming and the striving to meet these standards can have a significant impact on your wellbeing. Mistakes are seen as personal flaws, rather than opportunities to learn. 

Healthy striving is rooted in growth and curiosity. Goals are ambitious but realistic and striving for them is flexible. Setbacks are viewed as inevitable and a valuable part of the learning process, rather than an indication of inadequacy. Healthy striving fosters resilience, satisfaction and a more balanced sense of self-worth with the focus being on progress and improvement and not perfection. This leaves space for maintaining high performance and emotional well-being.

Why is it hard to be “good enough”?

Perfectionism on the surface to others can look like dedication or a strong work ethic. It’s often praised in school, rewarded at work and admired socially. When perfectionism is reinforced by praise and rewards, it can become deeply tied to identity, making it feel risky to loosen these standards. Letting go of perfectionism can lead to fears of not being efficient, organised or prepared and then further fears of how others would see us. Many people also believe that their self-worth depends on always performing at a high level, so anything less feels like a failure rather than a normal human experience. Over time, this creates a cycle where effort is driven more by fear of judgment than by genuine motivation, making it harder to recognise and accept our efforts as good enough.

When achievement becomes a measure of value, any perceived shortcoming can feel deeply personal. Instead of “I made a mistake”, this is internalised as “I am the mistake”. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, burnout and not feeling good enough. It would make sense then that what you do to strive for perfection for fear of not being good enough is hard to stop, as these behaviours protect you, to a certain extent, from not feeling good enough. However, the solution has become part of the problem. For example, repeatedly checking work for signs of mistakes is helpful in the sense that it’s likely if there is a mistake you will notice it and be able to correct it, but, this takes up valuable time you need to focus on other things and importantly, prevents you from finding out that others are more forgiving of mistakes than you perhaps think they are.

Shifting away from perfectionism

This doesn’t mean having no standards or “settling”. It means redefining what it means to do something well. Making space for flexibility, learning and being human. A helpful starting point is noticing when perfectionism shows up. Is it at work? At home? With certain people? What does perfectionism say or want you to do? How does it make you feel? Naming these things can help to create some distance. “This is perfectionism speaking” rather than accepting it as a fact.

I’ve sat with many clients who struggle with perfectionism. Perfectionism offers safety, approval and control. But more often than not, it feeds pressure, fear and burnout. Letting go of it, is scary. But by taking that leap of faith to gradually let go of perfectionism you’ll learn that it doesn’t result in carelessness, it leads space for  healthy striving. It allows space for balance; to do things well whilst also valuing and allowing time for rest, reflection and freedom.

If you’re wanting to step out of the paradox of perfectionism, therapy can be the place you begin to step out of that cycle.